Going through yet another divorce has given me the opportunity to reflect on my previous relationships. I've really just been evaluating the past and looking to see where did I go wrong. It's difficult to dig deep and look for your own faults and flaws sometimes, especially when you run into dead ends. Of course, I am not insinuating that I have been perfect in every relationship, but I am saying that I can't find what I really did wrong. Especially when all of my exes tell me how great I was and they lost a good thing.
I get low at times thinking of where I should be in my life and realizing where I am. I'll be 35 in a few months and I have 2 ex-husbands and 2 baby daddies. I don't feel shame, but I do have disappointment. I look at each man and try to see what mistakes I made, am I repeating them and can I prevent them from happening again. But I come up with the same answers every time. It wasn't my fault. Well, in a sense I guess it is because I chose to be with these men, but the failure of the relationship was not something I did wrong.
In those relationships I had to deal with both verbal and physical abuse, lies, cheating, controlling, possessiveness, jealousy, drugs, alcohol, hurt, pain and rejection. I took something from each of those relationships though, whether it was how to look for signs of a cheating man, how to recognize addiction, how to fight, how to stand up for myself but most importantly, how to heal. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me for so long, but now that I'm in the same situation again, I can see what it is so clearly.
I give so much of myself and I expect the same in return. Problem is I never take the time to get to really know someone before jumping into a relationship with them. I take the few qualities I may like, focus only on them and look past the things that should have me running in the opposite direction. And I don't give my heart to people who are deserving of it or know what to do with my love. I've always said that I love hard and because of it I have high expectations from others, even with family and friends. I have to learn to let people appreciate me first for who I am and not because I am available to them at all times and make it a relationship of convenience. It's hard because I've had so much rejection in my life that if a man doesn't give me the attention I want right away I immediately think that they don't like me or want to get to know me. I've never learned how to really date or take things slow and develop naturally. This is really going to be a whole new experience.
I mentioned previously that I don't think I did anything truly wrong with these men, and in hindsight, for the most part I still believe that. I did my job, took care of my man, was faithful, honest, loving and caring. Yes, I gave more of myself than I should have. Yes, I made some bad choices in the types of men I've ended up with. And yes, I made mistakes by staying too long in unhealthy situations. But I can't say that I would change a thing. I went through a lot of pain, but also a lot of growth. I have wonderful friends that I met through them whom I consider my family, I have the most perfect, beautiful children in the world and I have a new found love and respect for myself that I never would've learned if I'd been fortunate enough to have it easy.
It's so true that you don't really learn to appreciate the good things in life if you haven't had to go through the bad things first. And it's sad to say that I've never experienced that pure , true love. It's always been me who did all the giving and now I'm ready to receive. I want to be the lucky one for a change and know what it feels like to have someone truly love Becky with all of their heart and soul as I have always done. I know it will take time, patience, more healing and many, many prayers before I even get to that point, but I know when that person comes along I will be prepared. I don't think I would have known what to do with someone else's heart when I didn't even understand my own.
No comments:
Post a Comment