When I got pregnant with my first daughter, Dominique, I was 23 years old. I was going through a divorce from my first husband, living back and forth between my dad's house and my then-boyfriend's place, working as a waitress at Applebee's and basically unstable. Oh, and we had just found out that his ex-girlfriend (now wife) was also pregnant. Although I was an adult, you would have thought I was a teenager from the family's response and disappointment. I understood and respected their concern, however, at the time it was really difficult to accept. I was scared and felt really alone at times. I didn't know how to be a mom!! But once Dominique graced this world with her presence, everything changed.
Unfortunately, history does repeat itself and at the age of 29 I got pregnant again. This time the reaction was even worse. Again, I did understand people's concern. I was already a struggling, single mother trying to get my life on track. How could I make the same mistake twice, right? And this guy was a real winner. He was in and out of jail and on drugs. He had four other children that he never supported a day in his life. He was not the person I or anyone else in this world would ever purposely choose to procreate with!!! But I am grateful that I never thought of my pregnancy as a mistake, but rather that it was God's will.
I read a book called The Purpose Driven Life while I was pregnant with my youngest daughter, Jaidyn. It really put things into perspective for me and showed me not to beat myself up about my choices and accept the people God has chosen to be my childrens' fathers. It was hard to fathom at first that God would put this somewhat "off" combination together knowing the outcome of each relationship, but I still kept reading, learning and trusting. I couldn't believe that someone would hand-pick these two men for me to make babies with!
BUT......
He knew exactly what he was doing when He designed us. He knew which characteristics would make us special and unique. He knew who would be a willing participant and who would walk away from this new life. He even knew that at the end of the day, I would be the one raising these two beautiful, wonderful and perfect little girls by myself with absolutely no regrets. Don't get me wrong, now. I do have moments where I am ashamed that I have 2 children for 2 different men to whom I was never married. But that was part of God's plan. Is it fair to place all of the blame on Him? Of course not. I have to take responsibility for my actions and decisions. But I know that if I were to change anything in my past, I would not be the woman, no mother, I am today. I wouldn't have Dominique or Jaidyn in my life. Sure, I may have had other children. They may even have had the same names. But they wouldn't be my girls that I know and love and adore today. They would be different. And that is why I know God makes no mistakes.
I could go on and on about the good and the bad I went through to get to this point, to understand this life, but I can simply say that this was God's will and I accept it and receive the blessings despite the many challenges along the way. What the devil meant for bad, God made for good, real good. I still have doubts as a mother, moments of disappointment, fear that I am not making the right decisions for them or even myself. But as I give my life to my Father, I ask for His guidance, patience, love and mercy over us and trust Him that this is exactly where the three of us were meant to be.
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